Dworkin

Bring Back The Jokes

2,274 posts in this topic

Stockings-

You and Rowlf do keep me yowling. 

As stated many a time- DON'T STOP!!!

Cheers and Tipple many and plenty.

Dworkin

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An Emergency call from an urban dweller in a big USA city (Chicago perhaps?):

"Help! Someone has broken into our house but we don't (or can't) own guns."

Response: "Try to remain calm sir. The corner will be on his way shortly." 

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18 minutes ago, stockingsadmirer68 said:

@The Donald 🤡👴🏻🤣

 

E922716B-F13B-4487-94FA-9F66994930E9.jpeg

I would have said, in your case, "The idiot holding the wheel" But unable to grasp what it's supposed to do.

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Why do Bananas need to wear sun cream?  Because they split easily.    

Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split so ice creamed !.

What would you call two banana skins ? A pair of slippers.

 

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6 hours ago, The Donald said:

I would have said, in your case, "The idiot holding the wheel" But unable to grasp what it's supposed to do.

That only applies to geriatric Land Rover drivers :58674c057baa4_EmojiSmiley-69: :58674d4d8b6f6_EmojiObjects-195: :58674d5a21ae6_EmojiObjects-216: :58674beb3e9c9_EmojiSmiley-23:

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Why seniors never change their password

 

WINDOWS:

Please enter your new password.

 

USER:

Cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER:

Boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

 

USER:

1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

 

USER:

50damnboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

 

USER:

50DAMNboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

USER:

50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour BacksideIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER:

ReallyGettingTickedOff50DamnBoiledCabbages

ShovedUpYourBacksideIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, that password is already in use

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1 hour ago, rowlf said:

Why seniors never change their password

 

WINDOWS:

Please enter your new password.

 

USER:

Cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER:

Boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

 

USER:

1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

 

USER:

50damnboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

 

USER:

50DAMNboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

USER:

50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour BacksideIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER:

ReallyGettingTickedOff50DamnBoiledCabbages

ShovedUpYourBacksideIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS:

Sorry, that password is already in use

I can imagine this is you @rowlf 🤣😂🤣

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100 people from Chatham were asked in a survey if they thought 
Britain should change its currency.

98% said no, they were happy with the Giro 😁😁 

 

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Poor Harry.

Instead of waking to find the Bluebird of Happiness on his widow sill he instead found the Chicken of Depression. 

 

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42 minutes ago, Cowiqu said:

I know one so-so joke: Dear, we are living for a few days and the house is absolutely your... Oh! Stop calling a prostitute ! *tdmtssss*. Not the best joke:/

Does that even make sense? 😳 Let alone a ‘so-so’ joke 🤔

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So I am in a tavern which is also noted for decent food and asked what I'd like. I said:

"I'll have to drink what the fellow on the floor had and to eat whatever the fellow at the table with the woman under it is having also..."

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   Written across the wall of the cave

       were the following symbols:


413977415.jpg



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

 

413977415.jpg


"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.


413977415.jpg

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart   enough to have animals help them till the soil.


413977415.jpg

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.


413977415.jpg

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.

413977415.jpg

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,


413977415.jpg

"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick".

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I remember taking my lad to the pub for the 1st time.
Bought him a pint of stout, didn't like it so I drank it, pint of lager, same thing, cider, same.
Got us shots, the ungrateful shit made me have em all. Finally we left.

How the fuck I got the pushchair home I'll never know.

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My wife came into the room with the most obscene looking, sexually unattractive thing I have ever seen in her hand and suggestively said "I'm going to stick this up there."

I said. "There's no fucking way a picture of your mother is going on that wall."

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A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside.

"Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"

The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.

"Too fucking late you twat...I've already done the paperwork."

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As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'.

'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

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