Dworkin

Bring Back The Jokes

2,147 posts in this topic

Alright, a truce and back to some serious humour (how is that for a contradiction in terms...?)

Shrinks.

A fellow walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap to which the psychiatrist says:

"I can clearly see your nuts."

*

A fellow goes to see a shrink and tells him that when he tries to go to sleep he starts thinking that he is a pup tent and then a a pop up tent. This goes back and forth to the point he gets little sleep. He asks what's going on.

The shrink tells him: "As I see the problem, you are just two tents."

*

Another chap goes to see a head doc and tells him:

"When I go to bed I start thinking that something is under the bed. So I look but there is never anything there. But I can't help myself and keep looking and don't get much sleep. Anything you can do?"

Being a typical shrink, the doc stokes his facial hair and responds:

"Come and see me three times a week and we will work on this."

The chap asks:

"How much do you charge?"

Doc: 

"$100 an hour."

Chap:

I'll get back with you."

Weeks later both meet on the street by chance. The doc says"

"You never got back with me."

The chap says:

"I had a bartender give me a solution for the price of three drinks."

Doc:

"Tell me more."

Chap:

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

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Just now, stockingsadmirer68 said:

The usual kind of response from this poster. :58674c1998005_EmojiSmiley-104: :58674c112784f_EmojiSmiley-90: :58674c057baa4_EmojiSmiley-69: :58674cf24b322_EmojiObjects-43: 🔚

I think SA68 clearly illustrates to members the kind of person he? is.

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3 minutes ago, stockingsadmirer69 said:

I think SA68 clearly illustrates to members the kind of person he? is.

Only to buffoons like you, who have been banned on many occasions for inappropriate behaviour and continue ‘trying’ to hoodwink other members and SHQ staff / management  :58674c057baa4_EmojiSmiley-69: :58674cf24b322_EmojiObjects-43:🔚

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Nobody, as far as I can make out, is trying to hoodwink anybody.

I shouldn't think that members will like being described as 'buffoons' but that's just SA68's way.

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23 minutes ago, previousbannedmember said:

Nobody, as far as I can make out, is trying to hoodwink anybody.

I shouldn't think that members will like being described as 'buffoons' but that's just SA68's way.

Try reading my comments properly - you buffoon 🤡:58674c057baa4_EmojiSmiley-69::58674d5a21ae6_EmojiObjects-216::58674cf24b322_EmojiObjects-43:🔚

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I think that accordion is known to its acquaintances as "the truth" and if baldy stretches it any further, it will snap.

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Donald Trump 🤡  is only watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican pole vaulters can jump :58674bde4b3fb_EmojiSmiley-02: 

(Yes, I know it’s the Winter Olympics but still funny 😆) 

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Asked the Mrs what she wants for Valentines. She said “Give you a clue, ex England goalie” 

She’s expecting Flowers.....she’s getting Seaman!! :58674bdeceb55_EmojiSmiley-03: :58674bde4b3fb_EmojiSmiley-02: :58674bddb5b72_EmojiSmiley-01:

Edited by stockingsadmirer68

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At God's instruction, Heaven has entered a curling team at the Winter Olympics.

Jesus swept.

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An old geezer became very bored with retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."


 

Doctor Young, who was positive that Dr. Geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

"Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young became annoyed at this and went back after a couple of days to recover his money. He said:" I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

"Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

"Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't - that's gasoline!

"Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!You've got your memory back.That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young, (after losing $1000), left angrily and then came back a few days later and said: "My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!"

"Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back," handing him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You just got your vision back! That will be $500.


 

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer". Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick them off.

 

 

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1 hour ago, rowlf said:

An old geezer became very bored with retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."


 

Doctor Young, who was positive that Dr. Geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

"Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young became annoyed at this and went back after a couple of days to recover his money. He said:" I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

"Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

"Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't - that's gasoline!

"Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!You've got your memory back.That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young, (after losing $1000), left angrily and then came back a few days later and said: "My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!"

"Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back," handing him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You just got your vision back! That will be $500.


 

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer". Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick them off.

 

 

Yuk...yuk..yuk!! :58674bddb5b72_EmojiSmiley-01:

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

:58674c057baa4_EmojiSmiley-69::58674beb3e9c9_EmojiSmiley-23::58674be0c2f40_EmojiSmiley-06:
                                                                  

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People say that Donald trump is like Adolf Hitler, but that's nonsense.

Adolf Hitler wrote a book.

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1 hour ago, Alteredbhoy said:

People say that Donald trump is like Adolf Hitler, but that's nonsense.

Adolf Hitler wrote a book.

🤡👴🏻🤣

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2 hours ago, Alteredbhoy said:

People say that Donald trump is like Adolf Hitler, but that's nonsense.

Adolf Hitler wrote a book.

Did Adolf Hitler write Art Of The Deal and How To Get Rich?  Donald Trump has wrote more books than countries Adolf Hitler invaded.
 

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Omg omg omg!!
primark is doing bring your own bag day!
Bring any size bag and fill it up with as many items as you can fit for £25 on February 29!!!!!!!😱😍
Spread the word!! 😁😁

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3 hours ago, Augustus said:

Did Adolf Hitler write Art Of The Deal and How To Get Rich?  Donald Trump has wrote more books than countries Adolf Hitler invaded.
 

That's odd, because his Ghost Writer claimed that Donald Trump had read the book, but not written it.

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21 minutes ago, Alteredbhoy said:

That's odd, because his Ghost Writer claimed that Donald Trump had read the book, but not written it.

Hmmm........that means the writer is the real billionaire.

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A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his side profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde, he only has one ear and one eye,so he can't wear glasses. 👓 

🤣😂🤣

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On 19/02/2018 at 5:36 PM, rowlf said:

An old geezer became very bored with retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."


 

Doctor Young, who was positive that Dr. Geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

"Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young became annoyed at this and went back after a couple of days to recover his money. He said:" I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

"Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

"Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't - that's gasoline!

"Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!You've got your memory back.That will be $500."


 

Dr. Young, (after losing $1000), left angrily and then came back a few days later and said: "My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!"

"Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back," handing him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You just got your vision back! That will be $500.


 

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer". Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick them off.

 

 

I like the 'moral'. So very true.

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On ‎15‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 10:47 AM, Lisa x said:

Chromosomes explained...

XY = Male

XX = Female

YI = Geordie
 

:58674be5313cc_EmojiSmiley-12:

Aye that's reet anall !

:58674bddb5b72_EmojiSmiley-01:

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A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this penis anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,
"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much.
So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you......... ..NO! NO! NO!"

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