Dworkin

Bring Back The Jokes

2,348 posts in this topic

Fancy a Cheap Holiday?

Apparently 25,000 flight tickets from Manchester to Madrid on the 22nd of may have just been canceled.

Be quick go on www.aufweidersehenfergie.com

:blink:

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A 7.5 handicap golfer (who we will give the generic name Jack) sauntered up to the bar at the 19th hole after shooting his best round of golf in three years. Just after Jack drew his first taste from his favorite Scotch, a drop-dead gorgeous 20-something blonde snuggled up to him and said, “Today’s your lucky day”.

Jack’s coy nod hid the truth that his engine was already racing. Without seeming to care what the blonde would say next, Jack asked, “How’s that?’

The blonde said, “The last time I came into this bar, Tiger Woods sat in the very seat you’re sitting in. He had the bartender pour him a shot of the same Scotch you ordered. Then……… he took me to my hotel and gave me the best sex I ever had. I want you to pretend you’re Tiger today, and take me to my hotel right now and give me great sex.”

With more cool than even Tiger could ever muster, Jack said he would consider her happiness while he added his score and enjoyed his Scotch. Jack then took a long draw on the remaining Scotch, took the blonde’s hand, and said, “Okay, lets go make today your "lucky" day”.

The blonde ripped Jack’s clothes off as soon as they reached her hotel room. Jack commenced to bring the blonde to physical and emotional ecstasy in just a few minutes. As she lit a cigarette, Jack rolled over and picked up the phone.

The blonde said, “Jack, what are you doing?”

Jack replied, “I’m calling room service to order a bottle of champagne”.

The blonde said, “Tiger made love to me as soon as I finished my cigarette after our first romp”.

As the blonde exhaled after her last drag on her cigarette, Jack took a deep breath, and then he proceeded to bring the blonde to tears and shouts of, “Oh my God!”

Again, Jack reached for the phone with the intent of calling room service to order chilled champagne.

Again, the blonde spoke up. She asked “Jack, what are you doing? I want you to make love to me a third time, and make it as good for me as Tiger did”.

Jack asked, “Was our lovemaking not good the first two times?’ The blonde hugged Jack and pleaded to Jack to satisfy her again, just like he had done, and Tiger Woods had done before him.

Jack just then recalled the focus he used to make a great shot early in the day out of fairway sand trap, and delivered to the drop-dead gorgeous 20-something blonde another screaming, writhing orgasm.

Then, exhausted, Jack reached for the phone again. The blonde asked, “Jack, what are you doing”?

Jack looked directly into the beautiful blonde’s eyes, and said, “I’m calling Tiger Woods. I wanna know what hell the par is on this hole”.

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:rolleyes:

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Gummy

He ended up with a double bogey - Twins

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Gummy

He ended up with a double bogey - Twins

If he got a doble bogey, how many shots did Jack take with the blonde?

Tiger, or Jack, must reveal par to those of us that don't shoot in the 70's and then play the "back 9" after walking a full 18.

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

As a man with a weakness for Italian cuisine, and who gets weak-kneed around beautiful Italian women, I really enjoyed that one!

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A mate set up a blind date for me the other eveniong with a friend of his. I must say i was a little worried about going out with someone id never seen before. "What do I do if she's well..ugly?" I ask, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," mate says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack." So anyway that night, I go up and knock at the girl's door and when she comes out im awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is, she is stunning. Im just about to tell her..when the girl suddenly shouts... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

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UK politician Gordon Brown and leader of the Labour party, quote "I am from North Britain"

To explain to non-brittish folk, Brown is Scottish but tries not to say so in case he upsets English voters

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The trouble with political jokes

is that they get elected!!!

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Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Manchester. They decide to walk up and down the canal during their lunch hour. Halfway up the canal, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in Bury St Edmonds with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to Bury St Edmonds.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

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In the sleep village of Erbum, near the town of Tilet, in Hertforshire, lives a lady called Linda Lykes.

She is the land lady of the local pub, THe Cockwell Inn.

For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post!

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I remember taking a girl from Skegness on a blind date to an amusementpark once. We went for a ride on the waltzers and Ferris wheel. Then as she seemed rather bored I asked her "What would you like to do next?" as any conscious date would.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So, thoughtfully i took her over to the weight guesser." 9st 2lbs," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next we rode a roller coaster. After that, I bought her some popcorn and candyfloss, and asked again what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

Blimey i thought..Ive really latched onto a funny one tonight, so using the excuse I had an headache, i gave up an took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'Who are you?' he asked him.. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. <BR class=ecxwebkit-block-placeholder> The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

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I was playing in a night club last night, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of cash in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

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I don't hold with tradition, nor does my mother, or her mother before her.

What's the difference between Simon Cowell and God?

God doesn't think he's Simon Cowell.

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A blonde walks down the street with a shopping bag in each hand. Man asks her what's in the bags. Melons the blonde answers. The man says if I can guess how many melons you have will you give me one. Blonde says if you can guess how many mellons I have I'll give you both of them!

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Semantics.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner & had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“So, How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently”, she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”

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Lawyers

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has

cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was

the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo

would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10

million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million

bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what

you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and

says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell

him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in

Woodbridge!

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull

the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

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STOP: Important Information about Gonorrhea Lectim That You MUST Read!

The United States Centers for Disease Control issued a warning Friday, May 21, 2010 about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation. The disease is contracted through the very dangerous and high risk behavior that involves placing one's cranium up his or her rectum.

Many victims contracted this dreaded disease in 2008 hoping for change. After having been infected and striken for the past 1-2 years, very large numbers of the infected realize how destructive this sickness has been to their lives - and the lives of the ones they love.

Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming to the market. The drug is distributed by average middle aged Americans at tea parties and is called Votemout. Pronounced "Vote em out", the next dosage will be distributed in the coming months. The CDC warns the drug must be consumed before elections on the first Tuesday in November.

The second dose, which will require larger amounts of the drug, will be distributed by tea party patriots during the summer and fall of 2012. It must be injested prior to the first Tuesday in November of 2012 to ease craniums stuck in the rectums of those inflicted.

Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians and Independents rave about the drug's impact on their personal freedoms; their reduced tax bills (as already experienced in New Jersey); and their personal security. For some reason, the drug has sent criminals scrambling to escape its effects. Many are exiting the USA through the large gaps in security along the border of the USA and Mexico.

Medical practictioners warn that if continued use of Votemout is stopped, the dreaded impact could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

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A couple are in the process of getting ready to role the bones.

Gal: Will you respect me in the morning?

Guy: Hell, I don't respect you now.

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thanks to the gods that be for humor

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The General is a quick thinker.

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.

Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

(the sanitized version)

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The General is a quick thinker.

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.

Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

(the sanitized version)

........ I copied that, and forwarded it to several friends. It's sad, however, that so many find it funny today that were so filled with serious hope just 18 months ago.

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Country bumpkin and family visit London for first time.

A double decker bus passes by.

Look, says pa, a house on wheels

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How many stocking wearers does it take to change a light bulb?

One and I'll hold the ladder.

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Snow White & The Seven Dwarves.

The seven dwarves always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the  lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarves had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;

“ENGLAND FOR THE WORLD CUP”

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

Sorry but I had to, not that I am bitter, twisted or even a football supporter :P  

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Nice one SeamsF

Nice one son

Nice one SeamsF

Let's have another one :D

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An 86-year-old  man went to his doctor for his quarterly  check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and  the 86-year-old said ,'Things are  great and I've never felt  better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride  who is pregnant with my child.  "So what do you think about that Doc ?"  

The doctor considered his question for a minute  and then began to tell a story. 

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is  an avid hunter and never misses a  season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." 

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very  large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.  

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he  couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. 

Out of habit he  raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his  favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." 

"Miraculously,  two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  

Now, what do you  think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,  "Logic would strongly suggest  that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into  that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point  exactly."

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Latest T-Shirt Slogan

England

Algeria

Slovenia

Yanks

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Old George had a pet duck, of whom he was very fond. He would take it for a walk every day. One day, whilst out walking together, the heavens opened and a terrible storm blew into town. The only place of refuge was the local cinema, but of course, he was not allowed to take the duck inside. Thinking quickly, he hid the duck down inside the front of his trousers. He purchased his ticket and went inside to the only empty seat, which just happened to be next to a young courting couple. After a while, the duck started to get uncomfortable and began squirming around inside Old Georges trousers. Old George, unzipped his flies and gently pulled the ducks head out so that at least it could have some fresh air. Half way through the film, the young girl next to Old George whispered to her boyfriend, “ The old man next to me has got his penis out.”

The boyfriend replied “So what? You’ve got mine out.”

The young girl whispered back “Yes, but yours isn’t eating my popcorn.”

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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch.

One of the tourists spoke to the waitress and said.....

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? Gurrr ? King ?"

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One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!", at which nearly every woman in the congregation rose as one and shouted "AMEN !!!!!"

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Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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Did You Know This

About

Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman

wears a

leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he

gets weak in

the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder

why?

It's because she smells like a

new

Truck.

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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.

Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.

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A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was - the dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The Morals of this story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

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The Blonde and the Lawyer.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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