Dworkin

Bring Back The Jokes

2,420 posts in this topic

i lost the pub quiz last night by a single point..

the question was 'where do women have the most curly hair'

..apparently the answer was 'Africa'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me. you cry, I cry. You laugh.. I laugh. you jump out of the window.. I'd look down then.. I'd laugh again

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Green man flashing

There was a green, green man who lived in a green, green house in a green, green village.

One day the green, green man decided to take a green, green bath. He ran the green, green taps and out came some green, green water.

He lifted his green, green foot and stepped into the green, green bath.

Just that second the green, green man heard the green, green door bell ring.

He leapt out of the the green, green bath and grabbed a green, green towel, wrapped it round his green, green body and ran out of the green, green room, into the green, green hall, down the green, green stairs.

He sprinted to the green, green door and pulled open the green, green latch.

Outside stood a lovely green, green woman. The green, green man had never seen a green, green woman before.

He was stunned. He dropped the green, green towel and stared at the green, green lady.

The green, green lady was green, green shocked and she ran screaming down the green, green path, jumped over the green, green gate and straight into the green, green road.

She got run over by a green, green car.

The moral of this story is:

Don't cross the road when the green man's flashing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together

in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk

if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and

gave one to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,

'I'll thuffocate'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

donald Duck and daisy..

Characters like donald and Daisy are so well known, but most people don't know about their personal lives.

Like for instance Mickey and Minnie..did you know they are divorced.

During the divorce proceedings there was confusion as to the grounds.

Judge: I see you opted not for the No Fault Divorce but cited the reason being that she is really goofy, so to speak.

Mickey shakes his head angrily at this.

Judge: Regardless there isn't sufficient grounds for divorce, just because you're partner is . . . acting silly.

Mickey: I didn't say she was acting silly. I said she was F**king GOOFY !!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guys Drinking.

A group of fellows are in a tavern lamenting about personal and world problems.

One sullen chap with that far away, somewhat forlorn look says:

"You guys think you've got it bad,

My wife, she understands me."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young attractive, well endowed lady teacher was standing in front of her first class of eleven year old boys when she dropped her chalk. On bending down to retreave it her boobs fell out of her low cut blouse. "Parp parp" somebody said. "Come to the front the boy with the horn" said the red faced teacher and all the class walked forward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pirates.

Why did Capt. Hook have to go to the Hospital?

He wiped with the wrong hand...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palmtrees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An inspector goes to a State Insane Asylum and he sees the beautiful gardens there, lovely terraced flower gardens and lawns, and there was a Gardener working at it and the Inspector walked up and he said, "What Landscape Company do you work for?"

"Oh" the man said, "I'm an inmate here. I've been here for, oh, ten or eleven years."

"You do all this gardening?"

"Yes, I do all this gardening."

They talked for awhile and the Gardener just seemed to be utterly normal and sensible, and the Inspector said, "I'm gonna write an official letter, to them, and bring your case to the Administrations attention."

"Yes! I wish you would," the man said, "I'm here as a result of a terrible mistake!"

"Well, I'm, uh, okay, I'll do that for ya then." the Inspector said.

And they talked some more for awhile and then the Inspector went to leave and as he turned and walked across the nicely manicured lawn he felt a brick hit him in the small of his back. And he turned around and the Gardener said, "Don't forget to write that letter!"

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SOCIALISM

You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.

COMMUNISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.

FASCISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

NAZISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY

You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.

CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ANARCHY

steal neighbour's bull, shoot the government.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story ...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".

The other lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first lady says, "Look at that". When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man is driving on the Motorway when his wife calls him on his mobile phone.

"Darling, be carful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the motorway driving the wrong way."

To this the man replies, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Bejazus! are yez all stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico , arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable', a term frequently used by woodpeckers.

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker quickly pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck a Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck a Canadian tree, but neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much pecker pondering, they came to the same conclusion as Tiger Woods:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ha! :lol: Not bad, Clayton. ;)

Speaking of 'women drivers,' over on that other thread . . .

A woman driving in Arizona sees an old Navajo woman walking and asks if she wants a ride. The woman gets in the car. Despite the driver's attempts to start a conversation, the Navajo remains silent, looking intently at everything in the car. Then the wise old Navajo woman asks the woman who picked her up, "What is in the brown bag," that was sitting on the seat. The driver says: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman remains silent for a while and then responds, "Good trade."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This may offend some of the atheists on board. It's a story about two women talking just after they get to heaven.

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to warm up, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's another in a similar vein, gumband ...

Three gents arrive at the pearly gates together.

The first apporaches St Peter and gives his name.

St Peter checks the book and says, "You aren't due here for another five years! What happened?"

"There I was, walking peacefully along this street, minding my own business, when a fridge crashed through an apartment window and landed on me, crushing me to death."

"How terrible", says St Peter. "Welcome to heaven."

The second approaches St Peter and gives his name.

St Peter checks the book and says, "You aren't due here for another ten years! What happened?"

"I came home from work early and found my wife dressed in only her negligee. I suspected she was cheating on me and hunted high and low, but found no-one else in the apartment. In frustration and anger, I picked up the fridge and hurled it out of the window. I then had a heart attack and died."

"How terrible", says St Peter. "Welcome to heaven."

The third approaches St Peter and gives his name.

St Peter checks the book and says, "You aren't due here for another fifteen years! What happened?"

"Well, there I was, sitting in this fridge ..."

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They were both pretty bad :rolleyes: , but hey, that's the point of 'Bad Jokes,' because some of the best jokes . . . are bad jokes! :lol: Yes sir!

When God created women

He gave her not two breasts but three

The middle one got in the way

So God performed surgery;

And then woman stood infront of God

With the middle breast in her hand,

She said what should we do with the useless boob?

... and God created man.

=========

One morning the Devil came to church in a burst of smoke and flame.

He ran up and down the aisle, he said "Beelzebub is my name, I am evil incarnate; the object of all your fears!"

An old man sitting in the pews said, "Ha! You don't scare me at all ! Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

=========

Viagras' been stolen; it's in the news.

Hardened criminals on the loose.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a woman on a scooter pulls up next to him. The woman on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the woman on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the woman on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 130 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to her and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter...

The woman replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read: "English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie , Scotland , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie, Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *#k all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Scot! :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table,and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard above Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bar Humor...

At the bar the guy says to another, "My wife drives me to drink you know." The other replies, "You're lucky, mine makes me walk.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

People at the bar immediately grow absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the blind cowboy says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are. "Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What happens if you play country music backwards?

your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you

get out of prison.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER - 20th Century Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

When winter arrives, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

________________________________________

21st Century American Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CNN, NBC , PBS, CBS, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act -- retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs. Having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing the last bits of the ant's food. The government house he is NOW living in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant disappeared in the snow -- never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in an unrelated cocaine overdose, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders. The unruly spiders terrorize and ramshackle the once prosperous and once peaceful neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses -- bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day, a farmer went into town to pick out a new television. He found one that he thought would do just fine. As the area had no cable TV, he picked out an antenna as well.

At the store the sales person assured him that the store would install the antenna and TV the next day. The television and antenna were delivered and installed as promised.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political and election ads on every channel.

The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political and election ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political and election ads.

The following day, when he still found only political and election ads he called the store to complain.

The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political and election ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right.

After looking at the TV for a while the repairman went outside to check the antenna.

In a few minutes the repairman returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed improperly He found it had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Tech Support ... Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 ...

and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Reply from the Technical Side:

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now