Dworkin

Bring Back The Jokes

2,027 posts in this topic

Greetings there Folks.

Thanks to Satin and Silk for the first wisp of humour. As many may know, I am astutely serious individual and purport to be conservatively outrageous when possible. Anyone to believe that first part, contact me about land for sale...

Alright, the first two:

Think Before You Speak:

Perhaps the wrong thing to say:

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long!"

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forest Lawn Mortuary.

and,

The Burned Out Gynecologist :

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

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Thanks Heellover.

However, in the interest of levity we really need to get into the spirit. Good God, there is enough crapola about to overflow the best septic system in the World. So, to continue with the original sub theme here, the following is hereby presented...

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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Greetings there Folks.

The Burned Out Gynecologist :

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Did you hear about the retired gynaecologist who stayed on at work after he retired, but part time?

he just wanted to keep his hand in.

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Math . . .

The owner of a small business in was confused about paying an

invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Darlene, you graduated from the

University of Michigan. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much

would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A guy walks into the local welfare office,

marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate

drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who

wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,

meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullsh--ting me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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husband and wife having a heated discussion. husband is clearly losing the argument. in an effort to claim last word rites,he says to wife: "at least in would be impossable for you to complement me and hurt me at the same time. the wife replies: "at least you're better endowed than all of your friends".

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Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

I'm so depressed... My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will! What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite.

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A wife asks her husband to take a look at the kitchen light because it keeps flickering. "Do I look like I've got Powergen written across my forehead?" he says before plonking himself down in front of the television.

Later, she asks her husband if he could take a look at the boiler because the heating doesn't seem to be working properly. "Do I look like I've got British Gas written across my forehead?" he says before settling down to read the newspaper.

Finally she asks him if he'd be able to change her flat tyre "Do I look as though I've got Kwik-Fit written across my forehead?" he says "I'm off down the pub!"

When he comes home from the pub, he notices that there's a new tyre on his wife's car. As he walks into the kitchen, he notices the light is also fixed. Walking over to the radiator he can't believe it when he feels it's warm. At that moment his wife's comes into the room.

"How did you manage to get all the jobs done?" her husband asks.

"Well I was sitting on the doorstep crying after you went to the pub & a young man walking by stopped & asked me what was wrong. When I told him about all the jobs that needed doing, he offered to do them if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him" the wife explained.

"So what sort of cake did you bake him" asked the husband.

"Do I look like I have Mr Kipling written across my forehead?!" his wife replied.

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Theres a piece of wheat in a field, with all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with. Then a combine harvester comes along and scoops up piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with. The havester then puts the piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with into a barn. Then the wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are poured onto a convayer belt with a large crusher at the end. Suddenly the machine turns on the piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are slowly moving towards this machine. The piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are only inches away from the crusher when- I won't tell you rest, because it's a ceriel.

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Theres a piece of wheat in a field, with all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with. Then a combine harvester comes along and scoops up piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with. The havester then puts the piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with into a barn. Then the wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are poured onto a convayer belt with a large crusher at the end. Suddenly the machine turns on the piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are slowly moving towards this machine. The piece of wheat and all the other pieces of wheat it grew up with are only inches away from the crusher when- I won't tell you rest, because it's a ceriel.

:lol: Tau, you must be a serial killer!

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Tau

Remind me NOT to tell you the one about the King of the Rice Krispies

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Must remind Sophie of this one.

A world famous eye surgeon was retiring.

As a retirement present his colleagues comissioned a portrait of him.

At the unveiling they discovered that it was a canvass of a large eye with the surgeons

image as the pupil.

One colleage was heard to remark

"Just as well he wasn't a gynaecologist"

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Think Before You Speak:

Perhaps the wrong thing to say:

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby

table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long!"

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forest Lawn Mortuary.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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My current favourite just now (excuse the profanity needed for this...)

A not so clever guy went for a job as a Blacksmith.

The owner of the smiddy asked

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No"

he replied,

"But I have told a Donkey to F*ck Off".

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A girl walked into my bar the other day and asked for a 'Double Entendre', so I give her one

:)

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Doctor's Advice

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she hadn't done her boob exercise and she didn't want to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . "

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True story, but the fact is my son was coached by his mother.

About 20 years ago - when my son was 7 or 8 years of age - he sat beside me on the couch one evening and said, "Daddy, what is your job?"

I replied, "Son, I'm a salesman. I sell computers".

My son then asked, "What job does Joey's daddy do?" Joey and my son were the same age, and Joey lived next door. They were fast buds.

I replied, "Son, Joey's daddy is an engineer."

During the late 1980's, sales weasels like me were considered an even lower form of life than today. So my son and daughter would not be completely embarrassed about telling their friends about their father's occupation, I had constructed support statements that glorified what I did for a living.

Just when I thought my son would focus his attention on the baseball game on television, he asked, "Daddy, what is the difference between a salesman and an engineer?"

Oh, I was ready for this question. I wasn't going to get tricked by a 7-year-old. I was a full step ahead of him. "Son, an engineer is a person that knows an awful lot .... about a little. In other words, an engineer is an expert on a small subject. A salesman is a person that knows a little about a whole lot of subjects."

At that point, my son sported a huge shit-eating grin I had never seen on his face, and said, "Daddy, you've known so little, about so much, for so long, that I bet you know practically everything about NOTHING."

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So he says to the wife: "how come I don't hear you when you orgasm, anymore"

Her: "You are never there"

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Some Funnies...

Sunday Morning

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went

straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and

comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had

a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old

having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced

age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would

start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even nothing

too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the

ice cream truck hadn't come along."

==================================================

Three Envelopes

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of

a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with

him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you

can handle," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,

sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat

from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He

went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message

read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the

blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his

comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded

positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem

was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight

dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product

to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO

wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read,

"Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly

rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the

company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his

office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The

simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

================================================

Magic

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see

a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a

woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you

do that?"

"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd

have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my

husband!"

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Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look

towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically

speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially

billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the

morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and

insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto? '

'Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit.

It means someone stole the tent.’

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Here's one I hope you'll appreciate, gummy. ;)

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one

little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with

joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers,

but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and

rejoice!" Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of

your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking

with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little s--t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had

something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless

in a fight."

and...

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes

later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A

few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is

screaming." What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're

scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the

drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes

my nuts ." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

but wait, there's more...

A rather proper fellow is in the hospital having some tests that make his

bowels feel loose. After several false alarms and trips to the bathroom

he decides to wait until he knows it's not a false alarm. Of course the

inevitable happens and he has a mess in his bed. Most embarrassed, he

takes the sheet, wads it up and tosses it out the window. A local drunk

happens to be stumbling by just as the sheet falls on his head. As the

drunk is struggling to extradite himself from this a cop walks around

the corner in time to watch and when the sheet is at the drunks feet the

cop asks:

"So what was all that about?"

The drunk says:

"Man, I just beat the s--t out of a ghost."

*******

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Hi Dworkin,

By any chance would you know where I can obtain detailed information on

the Seaming Process used to make fully fashioned nylon stockings in the 1950`s?,

it seems like this process was "Done On Another Planet" when I try to obtain this

information!

THANKS! :)

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Husband; "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

Wife; "Well I don't like to phone you while you're at work"

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Here's a Three-fer for you:

This is a beautiful story of a bagpiper

who was late for a funeral.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job Search

A retired friend went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Mont., that's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir --that's where the end of the queue is right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going By The Bells....

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'

and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing

went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells

and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,

which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report

by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Perky, was a very fine specimen,

but this morning he noticed old Perky's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,

bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Perky had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Perky, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair

and he became an overnight sensation among the judges..

The result was the judges not only awarded old Perky the No Bell Piece Prize

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Perky was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out

how to win two of the most highly coveted awards

on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace

and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year,

the bells are not always audible.

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Sadly, "Bells" would be soooooooooooo funny ....................... if it wasn't soooooooooooooooooooooooo true!

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A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another

stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said a word

just stood up, paid for his meal and left.

"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night and commented "He doesn't seem to be much of a

truck driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."

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Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

;)

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Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Jack this is the jokes page :blink::blink::blink:

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A duck walks into a bar,

'Have you got any bread' it asks the barman

'No' he replies

'Have you got any bread'

'No'

'Have you got any bread'

'No!'

'Have you got any bread'

'No I haven't you irritating little duck. and if you ask one more time I'll nail your Beak to the bar!'

'Have you got any nails'

'No'

'Have you got any bread'

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Two for the road...

Why Sex Ed?

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Moral of the Story...

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the

donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people

who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was

riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed

positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame,

he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more

people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent

donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some

people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a

poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the

donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal &

he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story?

*

*

*

*

If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass

goodbye!

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~

Jack this is the jokes page :blink::blink::blink:

:lol:;)

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:lol: :lol: :lol: I love it, thanks J

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Detroit Humor.

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................

"When I were a lad livin in Detroit, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' adollar, and I'd come back

wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Yer can't do that now.Too many damm security cameras."

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A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where President Barack Obama is trumping up support for his ObamaCare Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s hometown of Crawford, Texas, President Obama mocks the cowboy - talking in a southern drawl and speaking in single syllable words.

As Mr. President taunted the Texas "good ole boy, he swatted flies that were buzzing around his head. The good ole boy asks, "Mr. President are Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped taunting the good ole boy and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called. I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the good ole boy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse."

Obama continues rambling, but a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the Texas good ole boy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more. The good ole boy looks President Obama straight in the eye and, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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